May 27

[video]

May 22

Anonymous asked: I keep trying to think of something encouraging to say to you but I can't find the words. Don't stress too much <3 You're not alone. -Kris

You’re too sweet, thank you so much. :)

I just have to take all of this one day at a time, I know sooner or later it will all make sense to me. In the mean time I’ve got to allow myself to be human.

I miss when dreams were this easy.

My mind is in a terrible, terrible place right now.

I am fighting with all that I’ve got to get away from it, and I am failing every step of the way.

[video]

May 21

Things I want:

a friend
my own place
cintiq drawing tablet
andy
corgi
little monster
school

Things I don’t want:

to be an adult

I can smile for the camera all I want, it’s not going to change how I really feel. I’m not going to lie. I have felt like absolute shit for the past couple of weeks. Ever since that drive to the airport in Seattle, I’ve felt overwhelmingly sad and lonely. I knew I had to say goodbye to Jon, and a beautiful city that I hardly got a taste of, and new, incredible people I had hardly had the pleasure of knowing. I knew I was flying right back to loneliness and I was dreading it. And I’ve been sulking ever since. And I got to see Andy for a day and that was wonderful but I had to say goodbye to him before I was even used to being around him again.

All of this is so fucking hard. I knew it was going to be. I’m not surprised that I feel so awful. But I’m allowed to fucking feel like this. I don’t know anybody out here that I can connect with like I can with everyone I left behind and I’m too terrified to go out and look for someone. Instead I resort to sulking on this couch and feeling sorry for myself and blaming my environment and everything around me. I know exactly what I should be doing, and I know that I’m doing the exact opposite. I know exactly how I should be handling this. But I’m not. And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me just wants my old life back. And I’m going to want every bit of it back until I can begin a new chapter out here.

But I won’t go back. I’ve made it this far. I’m not giving up. I know I will have to continue making these sacrifices because it will all be worth it. I know I need to experience all of this to get to where I want to be. Regardless of how I feel, my life is absolutely beautiful. And I’ve met so many beautiful people. And I will meet even more. And I’ll look back at this post and I’ll laugh at myself for ever thinking I wasn’t good enough to make new friends. And I’ll still be hopelessly in love with Andy, and we’ll meet in the middle one day, and we’ll start our lives together, knowing we conquered our biggest fears together. And our friends will come visit us in our home, and we’ll explore all of California and beyond, taking photos, creating art, and making films of our adventures. Because we’re young and we’re fucking beautiful, and that’s what life is about.

May 20

From the day I left it’s been about getting through these 260 miles between us and looking forward. It will be over soon enough. We will get to share our lives again.

“Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.” — Dr. Cox (Scrubs)

(Source: paintbrushbangs)

May 17

“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.” — Daniel Franzese (via mmmmilk)

(Source: cherrywhore, via kaitmpayne)