When I was 11, we went to the pound to adopt a dog. We looked at nearly every dog there, and for whatever reason, my mom chose this one. She was the only one who was calm and collective. She had been there for 3 months and they were planning on euthanizing her just days later, so we brought her home with us. I named her Pepper on account of her furs.

I’m turning 22 today and I have to say goodbye to her. For good. She’s always had issues with her hips, but has been especially struggling for the past couple of years. My dad and I came to the decision a few days ago, but I still couldn’t help feeling guilty about it. She’s very hard to read. Well, last night, she got in a huge fight with my other dog, Hannah, and that is absolutely uncommon. They’ve shared the same roof for nearly 5 years and they’ve never had a fight. They wouldn’t let go of each other’s necks and they were violently shaking each other’s heads around. I freaked out the second I saw blood. Andy and I tried to separate them, and managed to for a moment, but they went back at it again. This time I legitimately thought Hannah was going to kill Pepper, if she hadn’t already. Pepper was just laying on the ground, appearing to be limp, and Hannah was dragging her by the nape of her neck. We sprayed them with the hose and that scared Hannah into the house. I was absolutely hysterical, screaming and crying. It was 1:30am so needless to say, the cops showed up at my door. I have no idea where the blood came from, but they both seemed to be okay. We kept them separated for a while and introduced them to each other later, and though Pepper made it clear she didn’t want her near her, they didn’t start anything again.

Yesterday, Pepper sat in the same spot all day. She hardly even attempted to stand up, and she had a completely different look in her eyes. As terrifying as it was to see my dogs attempt to kill each other, I finally know that Pepper has had enough. She can’t hide it anymore. I’ve been hoping she’d just give me some sort of sign so that I don’t have to feel terrible about having her fate in our hands, and I finally feel like we’re doing the right thing. I hate that it has to happen on my birthday, but she seriously cannot handle another day of this. It’s gone on too long.

I gave her her favorite meal tonight, and sat down with her to brush her. She just kept staring at me with these eyes… I can’t even describe it. All I know is that she loves me so much and I can tell. I just sat next to her and cried for a really long time. I couldn’t handle it anymore so I went to lay in bed, which is about 7 feet away from her, and for the next 10-15 minutes she was crying and fidgeting and kept trying to stand up so she could lay next to my bed (like she normally does every night) but she couldn’t. She literally can’t move her back legs right now. I can’t even decide who feels worse right now; me or her?

Today I have to say goodbye to the second half of my life. To the dog who’s afraid of trucks and lawn mowers, but chases thunder and fireworks. The dog who knew I was crying about a boy when I was 14 and walked upstairs to my room just to lay her head in my lap. The dog who speaks not in barks, but in “rooOOOooOOOoooo’s”. The dog with batman ears and a snaggle tooth. I’m going to miss her so much. I can’t handle the way she’s looking at me right now. I’m probably going to end up sleeping on the floor next to her tonight.

That last picture… melts my fucking heart. It deserves a frame.

And the picture before that has been my view for the past half hour. I can hear my dad’s snoring in the background but even that isn’t loud enough to drown out her cries. :(