This is ten times harder than I ever anticipated. I just can’t get that fucking image out of my head. She died in my arms. It was the best way for her to go, me holding her close, but I’m torn up that I had to see her like that. I’m torn up that I allowed that to happen. I feel horrible. I feel guilty. I feel responsible. I feel like I could have provided her so much more than I did. She had no idea what was coming. Maybe it was better that way. I don’t know. All I know is I feel like shit and I miss her. I filled one bowl of dog food today. Not two. One. Her bed is empty. I miss her “roOOoooOO’s”. I miss that look she gave me whenever I called her name. She threw her ears back, squinted with a smile, and howled at me. I hope she knew how much I love her. I hope she wasn’t scared. My poor baby. I thought I heard her cry earlier. I thought I heard her growl earlier. I didn’t.

I can’t handle this at all. My heart is absolutely fucking broken.