I can smile for the camera all I want, it’s not going to change how I really feel. I’m not going to lie. I have felt like absolute shit for the past couple of weeks. Ever since that drive to the airport in Seattle, I’ve felt overwhelmingly sad and lonely. I knew I had to say goodbye to Jon, and a beautiful city that I hardly got a taste of, and new, incredible people I had hardly had the pleasure of knowing. I knew I was flying right back to loneliness and I was dreading it. And I’ve been sulking ever since. And I got to see Andy for a day and that was wonderful but I had to say goodbye to him before I was even used to being around him again.
All of this is so fucking hard. I knew it was going to be. I’m not surprised that I feel so awful. But I’m allowed to fucking feel like this. I don’t know anybody out here that I can connect with like I can with everyone I left behind and I’m too terrified to go out and look for someone. Instead I resort to sulking on this couch and feeling sorry for myself and blaming my environment and everything around me. I know exactly what I should be doing, and I know that I’m doing the exact opposite. I know exactly how I should be handling this. But I’m not. And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me just wants my old life back. And I’m going to want every bit of it back until I can begin a new chapter out here.
But I won’t go back. I’ve made it this far. I’m not giving up. I know I will have to continue making these sacrifices because it will all be worth it. I know I need to experience all of this to get to where I want to be. Regardless of how I feel, my life is absolutely beautiful. And I’ve met so many beautiful people. And I will meet even more. And I’ll look back at this post and I’ll laugh at myself for ever thinking I wasn’t good enough to make new friends. And I’ll still be hopelessly in love with Andy, and we’ll meet in the middle one day, and we’ll start our lives together, knowing we conquered our biggest fears together. And our friends will come visit us in our home, and we’ll explore all of California and beyond, taking photos, creating art, and making films of our adventures. Because we’re young and we’re fucking beautiful, and that’s what life is about.
