Meeting my all time favorite musician and seeing him perform live for the first time is one of those diary worthy moments of my life. Being able to tell this man that his music has made my long distance relationship easier to cope with meant a lot, and his reaction to that statement meant even more. (He seemed taken aback, modest and grateful.) No other musician has had this effect on me. Music wasn’t really a huge deal to me until I listened to him, I guess it’s because I hadn’t really found a band I could really connect to. #chuckragan #revivaltour @rattfink š
• 25 April 2013 • 4 notes
ššš I met chuck ragan, I can die happy.
• 24 April 2013 • 7 notes
I’ve been trying to contain my excitement about this until everything is set in stone, but I just got off the phone with a volunteer program called “free arts for abused children” and reserved a date for my orientation where I will be working with children, encouraging them to utilize their imagination and creativity to channel their emotions. I have not stopped thinking about it since I sent my application in last week. The staff was so friendly on the phone. The more I think about all of this, the more I go back to the dream I had throughout my entire life; being a teacher. I don’t know, all of this just clicks for me right now. I’ve always had a desire to help people and I’ve always loved art, now I can combine them!
• 23 April 2013 • 5 notes
questions for me
Lately I’ve been asking myself certain questions just to kind of be familiar with myself, to really understand what makes me tick and what’s going on deep inside my mind. Also, to boost my self-esteem if I am ever feeling discouraged. My mind has been in a wonderful place lately, I’d like to keep it that way, or at the very least, reflect on it. These have all been stuck inside my head so I thought I’d record and share them.
What am I most grateful for?
Creativity. I’m tremendously grateful that I can create things from my mind whenever I please. I’m grateful to be multi-talented, to be able to catch on to things quickly and to have an ambitious drive that allows me to tackle projects on my own, even if that means doing enormous amounts of research. I’m grateful that I enjoy research and learning. I’m grateful to be surrounded around other creative people who have the same mechanism fueling them each day.
What’s something I want more than anything?
I want my parents to tell me they’re proud of me. My parents are not vocal about their true emotions, in fact, my entire family is pretty reserved and passive. I often wonder where I developed this desire to be an open book to people, where I get the strive to work each day at nurturing my big heart. I have never in my life heard the words, “I’m proud of you” from either of them. If I ever do… I guarantee I will break down into tears. Happy tears.
What do I take pride in?
I take pride in myself. Part of me feels like I always have. Of course I went through my awkward, insecure teenaged years, but I never did anything that I didn’t want to do simply to impress other people. If I felt it was wrong or that it was going to hurt somebody (including myself), I didn’t get involved. I believe it takes a lot of courage to do that when you’re in middle school or high school wanting to make friends. I knew exactly the kind of people I wanted to be around, and if anyone turned me off, I’d dispose of them. Every decision I made, I thought of how it would make my family feel. If it hurt them in the slightest, I didn’t do it.
I’m proud that I’m following my dreams. The life I’m living right now is the exact life I envisioned for myself when I was 17, except I’m missing a corgi and a Scion xB. I find it interesting that when I’d picture myself at this age, I didn’t picture a significant other with me. It was always just me and my corgi. And even though I’m so happy to have Andy in my life, I’m really glad that I’ve decided to take this journey on by myself. I didn’t realize it until recently, but lived up to my expectations, even when I didn’t think I could do it.
What is a personal goal I’d like to reach within the next 5-10 years?
Overall, above everything, I just want to be healthy. I’m addicted to sugar and I want to stop. I didn’t have a nutritional upbringing at all, and now I am fighting off bad habits left and right. I have made a tremendous amount of progress, but it’s taken at least five years. It took a year or so to kick soda and fast food. I’m currently working on introducing more nutrients and exercise, and disposing of anything toxic. It’s tough. But I want to live a long life. I don’t want to feel like I’m 60 at 23. I want to take care of my body. I want to age well. I want to be fit.
What is something I wish I could have?
I wish I could have a day with my grandfather. He died when I was 11, I was too young to really gather how unique his generation was. He was born in 1912 and he watched the world change from decade to decade. I wish I knew more about his life, and about him in general. He played in an important role to everyone in my family. Sometimes I feel robbed that I had the least amount of time with him simply because I’m the youngest.
• 18 April 2013 • 5 notes
Saying goodbye really really really really sucks.Ā
There’s always this silence in my entire home after he leaves. A silence that’s unheard unless he’s left my presence. It feels so empty, so vacant.Ā
• 7 April 2013 • 7 notes
Seriously though, he’s pretty fuckin’ good looking, yeah?
• 29 March 2013 • 10 notes
Anonymous asked: Hope you don't mind me asking, but how do you make your relationship work long distance? I admire your relationship. I'm currently in a long distance relationship and we're finding it really difficult and fall out a lot. Any tips? :) x
Iād love to share some tips with you! I apologize in advanced for the novel, but Iām incapable of making my advice short and simple. I have to include each and every detail because to me, itās the little things that count.
How long have you been doing long distance? How long is the distance and what are the challenges you face when visiting each other? What percentage of your relationship has been long distance? For instance, about 25% of mine has been long distance. Weāve been together for 4.5 years and 1 year of that has been away from each other.
These are three things that will make a huge difference. Leaving after you know each other very well and are familiar with each other may prove to be less challenging than two strangers being apart. And the beginning of the LDR will always face new challenges, you just have to find a routine for each other.
It was hard for us the first 6-8 months because we were so used to our normal routine. We had spent 3 years seeing each other every single day, even if only an hour before one of us had to work. We didnāt talk on the phone much, and we didnāt text that often either. We saved everything for face to face conversations. Not being able to be face to face was so hard.
We never knew when we were going to talk to each other next. It was kind of in the air. We didnāt have āappointmentsā, if you will. As a result, I was unaware of many events in his life and he was unaware of mine. This made me feel distant from him, less connected. After months of fights and arguments, tears and fears, we finally figured out how to manage it all. We have a 20 minute window between the time Iām driving home from work and heās driving to work. We utilize that time every day to talk to each other and fill each other in on the little things that happend over night. Whoever has the first free moment to call, they call. Thereās no tally for who makes the effort to call first.Ā
We also have at least 1-2 nights a week where both of us are free at night and we can skype/facetime. We make these chats last anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours. This fills in the void of not being able to see each other. Itās the closest we feel to each other.
We have kept this routine going on since July of last year and we havenāt had an issue since.
What Iāve learned is that itās not the distance alone that causes a strain on the relationship. Yes, itās a huge impact, but only until you adapt to the changes. The key to surviving a long distance relationship is staying committed to each other. Be apart of each otherās lives. Donāt let the other one feel left out, and donāt feel left out by the other. Be patient. Have a countdown, or deadline for the next time you will see each other and plan these dates ahead of time. Not knowing when youāll see each other next causes a lot of stress. Even if itās months from now, having that day to look forward to makes the days go by shorter. Visit each other as often as you can.
The biggest thing of all: trust. Donāt be jealous. Trust that you love them and that they love you. Let go of selfish thoughts and believe in your relationship. If you truly feel this person is the one, you will keep working. If this person is truly the one, everything will be fine.
• 14 March 2013 • 5 notes
Here’s something about myself that I’m not afraid to admit:
I think I’m beautiful. Both on the inside and outside.
It may sound conceited. I may take way too many pictures of myself. But you know what? I don’t care. I’m so happy that I like how I look.Ā That is a fucking milestone for me.Ā Growing up, I was an ugly duckling. I really was. I straight up dressed like a boy, I was the only girl in my group who didn’t wear makeup, and my hair wasn’t styled well. Guys didn’t like me too often, or they would pick my friends over me. One guy even called me Jesus all the time because I had brown, frizzy, messed up hair. I know this is all very trivial, but when you’re 12, that’s your entire world and it fucking hurts. I legitimately thought I was ugly and I often hated looking in the mirror.Ā
In high school it was the same. I felt a little better about myself, but there were still many things I hated. My teeth, my chubby cheeks, my pudgy belly, my height, my hair, my smile, my laugh, my voice, my hands, my shoe size, the list goes on.
Today I love all of that. Absolutely all of it. I don’t cringe when I hear my own voice or laugh. I still believe I have a “good side” but I’m not going to freak out if someone catches a picture of my “bad side”. I didn’t like my body so I changed it and now I love it. I don’t care if I’m larger and taller than your average girl, I fucking love my curly frizzy hair, and my teeth have so much character. My acne scars symbolize a victory for me. I love every fucking piece of me, and it’s been a long process to get to this point. I will do whatever it takes to continue loving myself because nothing else has ever made me feel this invincible. I am me and I’m fucking proud of that.
• 2 March 2013 • 33 notes
photobooth 2013
i’m just really, really glad to have my hair back.
• 2 March 2013 • 8 notes
May 21, 2012
“All of this is so fucking hard. I knew it was going to be. Iām not surprised that I feel so awful. But Iām allowed to fucking feel like this. I donāt know anybody out here that I can connect with like I can with everyone I left behind and Iām too terrified to go out and look for someone. Instead I resort to sulking on this couch and feeling sorry for myself and blaming my environment and everything around me. I know exactly what I should be doing, and I know that Iām doing the exact opposite. I know exactly how I should be handling this. But Iām not. And part of me doesnāt want to. Part of me just wants my old life back. And Iām going to want every bit of it back until I can begin a new chapter out here.Ā
But I wonāt go back. Iāve made it this far. Iām not giving up. I know I will have to continue making these sacrifices because it will all be worth it. I know I need to experience all of this to get to where I want to be. Regardless of how I feel, my life is absolutely beautiful. Ā And Iāve met so many beautiful people. And I will meet even more. And Iāll look back at this post and Iāll laugh at myself for ever thinking I wasnāt good enough to make new friends. And Iāll still be hopelessly in love with Andy, and weāll meet in the middle one day, and weāll start our lives together, knowing we conquered our biggest fears together. And our friends will come visit us in our home, and weāll explore all of California and beyond, taking photos, creating art, and making films of our adventures. Because weāre young and weāre fucking beautiful, and thatās what life is about.”
This is why I document my thoughts. Progress.
• 24 February 2013 • 7 notes
